Def wasn’t hoping to discuss this so soon.


I really wasn’t expecting to have to discuss this so soon, but it’s time.

last week I was admitted to the hospital due to liver and kidney failure. Essentially I was only given a few weeks/hospice left to live. Eventually, my kidney infection went away, and my white counts got a little better. After speaking with my regular oncologists, they believe there is still a chance that the nivolimab drug should work-although it takes 6-8 weeks to make that determination.

So im still fighting the good fight-not yet ready to go. I’m in pain, and I’ve had constant emotional battles with everything, to include finalizing my funeral details.

I don’t know where I’m headed or how long I have left on this earth. But I do know that I’m not ready just yet, and I want (need) more time with my husband and son.

25 thoughts on “Def wasn’t hoping to discuss this so soon.

  1. Praying for you each and every day. I wish I could take some of the pain from you and fight part of this for you. Keep fighting Mary. 💪👊👊💥

  2. Mary, I have not commented before, but I want you to know I’ve been reading your blogs and praying. We don’t understand these things. They are painful and they seem pointless.
    I trust God will allow you more time down here. There is always hope.
    But if not, know this God in his wisdom loves you and suffers with you. And He will explain it to you whenever it’s your time to enter His presence. Perhaps your husband and your son need your to diving protection in the days to come even more than your earthly presence. Goodbye is not forever – by God’s grace you will see them again.
    Commit your soul to Jesus. You can trust the One Who Died for you. It says in the Bible that God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes. And when you see the Angels it will be easier to leave than you now think.
    Love and prayers from Canada. May you find peace and healing at this Christmas season.

  3. Mary , I have only met you once, but I am praying for you everyday ! May God protect and keep you ! May God protect and keep your family ! Peace be with you !
    I am Greg Lawrence’s dear friend and I am friends with Karen and Michelle .

  4. Ive been reading your blog for several years but never commented. Praying for you, your family, and friends. I’m sure your faith has been shaken to the core, as anyone’s would be. Jesus loves you despite this horrible world of pain and suffering we live in.

  5. Mary. Whatever you need I am wishing for you. You have more strength and faith than I have ever had and I know you will deal with whatever comes your way.
    Head up and face the future. All of us are on borrowed time. You are loved.
    Rochelle

  6. Words cannot convey …… I have been following your journey from the first steps and I felt that if anyone can beat the sh__ out of cancer it was you: you are one of the strongest spirits my path has crossed. This news is disheartening; somehow your battle became ours and now things seem at their darkest. If I could trade places with you I would. I’m not sure how much fight you have left in you, Mary. I keep thinking I could/should come up with some magical metaphor that will give you strength and hope. They all seem trite and even lame at this moment. Just know that you have touched many lives; your courage is an example for all of us. As Rochelle said, “You are loved”.
    Blessings, Fred.

  7. Mary, while I do not know you personally (I found your blog when a Facebook friend shared a link years ago) I feel like I do after following you for so long. Cancer has taken its toll on many people extremely close to me, such a cruel and unforgiving disease. Reading about your strength and the fire you have to fight this fight has been so incredible. As someone above stated, I feel as if anyone I “know” has it in them to beat this, it is you. I truly hope your fight is not over yet, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. Wishing you a happy holiday!

  8. Mary you are one of the strongest woman I have followed on this merry go round of ups and downs. My heart aches for you, but it’s not over yet. I do believe in miracles and you have fought too hard not to receive some good news. Embrace your family and know you have so many praying for that miracle. You are truly loved. And remember always FUCK CANCER!!!

  9. Was just thinking of you the other day as you hadn’t posted in a while. I prayed it was because things were going good and you were too busy with holiday preparations. Apparently you were too busy with “not dying”. Sweetheart, I am so sorry. This really sucks. And yes, fuck cancer. And you are truly loved, even by so many of us who have never met you. And I do believe God will explain all to you when you get to the other side. Hand your heart over to Him, and trust that He has a plan to care for you and your family, regardless of the outcome. I will continue to pray for a miracle from Him that allows you to grow old with your family but should He call you home, know this: You will have left your fight, your love, and your spirit in their lives, and in all of ours too. Know we will not squander this gift of life we have left here on earth but will love, fight and stand in your honor, for our loved ones.

    Strong like Buell.
    Praying still in Wisco-
    Sue

  10. I am so very sorry with your news. Miracles happen everyday and I will pray that one will come your way. You deserve to stay with your family longer but that is not up to us. But I am asking God to give you more time. I have followed you from the beginning and you have been so courageous and such a role model . You have touched all of our lives and will always be in our hearts. God bless you and your family.
    Love,
    Pat Sivula

  11. Mary,
    I went to JCU with you (graduated 2003). I have been following your posts for a while now and I am so sad for you and your family. We are praying nightly for you at our home. I pray for a miracle and for peace, love and time.
    You are amazing and you are strong. Blessings and f— cancer!

  12. This comment from a stranger to you, hits the mark.

    “I will continue to pray for a miracle from Him that allows you to grow old with your family but should He call you home, know this: You will have left your fight, your love, and your spirit in their lives, and in all of ours too. Know we will not squander this gift of life we have left here on earth but will love, fight and stand in your honor, for our loved ones.”

    Fight on, Mary. Your strength and reach to others is immeasurable.

  13. Mary, our hearts are with you. You are a wonderful person and are loved by many. Having lost my dad and brother these last couple years, I know that god is real and miracles happen even during what seems the worst of times. It may not be the miracle you want or others want, but miracles happen with faith, even while many battle sickness and death. There are miracles I experienced with my dad and brother that I can’t explain. While your body may struggle, keep your soul strong. Prayers, faith and hope from the Polantz’s. Aboot!

  14. Mary my heart goes out to you and your family. Mary, it is not over. It is not over until God says it is over. God loves us so much He gave His Son, Jesus to pay our debt of sin so we can have life more abundantly (here on earth and for eternity). Begin to thank Him for everyone and everything (family members, sight, hearing, limbs, voice, etc.). Raise your hands to Heaven and tell God you give Him everything-to include you. You will feel a burden lift off of you. And continue to fight! Please read the following scriptures: John 3:16, Matthew 19:26, Isaiah 53:5, Jeremiah 32:27. I am praying for your miracle Mary!

  15. Dearest Mary – Greetings from your California fans again. Your blog post made me sad and I wanted to throw a temper tantrum over another holiday in the hospital. Life does not always make sense and it certainly doesn’t here. You deserve so much and life is so unfair.

    I hope that today is as comfortable as can be and somehow a calm and comforting Christmas with your family. I hope somehow Christmas waves a magic wand over you today and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. I hope you’re not in pain and time stops for those brief moments where inner peace collides with content feelings of joy. Somehow, someway that is what I wish for you.

    I hope the upcoming weeks of meeting this challenge and getting over the hump seeing your medications working is a walk in the park from all the previous battles you have conquered.

    Remember you are amazing, so many are inspired by you, and you are a natural at kicking ass.

    I pray for you, girl,
    Harriet

  16. Mary,
    Unfortunately I don’t have anything to change your world or make you cancer or pain free. I don’t know you, but reading your blogs it just doesn’t seem fair. I wish by now there was a magic pill. You & your family deserve better than this. You’re a strong woman & please don’t give up.
    I’m sad that you have to spend another Christmas hoping & wishing.
    I’m not a religious person, but I am praying for some positive news for you!
    Take care & I wish you & your family the best.

  17. Keep fighting Mary! We love you and pray for you every day! We are not ready for you to leave this earth yet either!
    Hugs and kisses! 😘🙏🏻😇

    Raquel

  18. Oh my dear sister… I love u so much. I pray for u everyday, SO HARD. I wish I could take ur place. When I got to the hospital, after hearing the word “hospice”, it felt like a dream. You looked so helpless- and I just LOST it. Now I can say from personal experience that it truly IS harder to WATCH someone u love go through this, than it is to go through it yourself. I kept saying to mom, “this wasn’t supposed to happen! It was supposed to be ME! She was the healthy one! She was the strong one!” And u still ARE the strong one.

    I’m not at all surprised to see all the people you’ve inspired- all the strangers who’ve turned into friends. I can’t think of ANYONE who has ever met u that didn’t love u. Touching lives is a special gift you’ve always possessed- a gift that will keep on giving, well after you’ve left this world. I’ve always been so proud to be your sister. And even though I’M your big sister, you’ve always felt like mine. I wish I was stronger- I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain; to make u laugh; to make u forget about cancer, even for a moment. But since I can’t, I’ll continue to pray for that miracle. I still haven’t given up hope that you will make it through this. Because if anyone can, YOU can. I love u little sis💗

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