Status/post surgery has been fine. Still waiting for insurance approval. Physically, bone and liver pain, and mentally? Well mentally, I’ve never felt worse since this whole thing began in 2012.
I feel lost lately. So so lost. I find myself wandering around the house, forgetting what to do next-suddenly getting pings of sheer terror, especially while Mack is at school and derek is at work. I start to freak out-like what if this is it? What if this is my last hour? I need to be with my family. I HAVE to be with my family. Sometimes it takes me hours to calm down. I feel crazy. I feel empty. I look at things-like a letter I sent-will this be the last letter I ever send? It’s silly. It really is. But I am really having a difficult time moving past it. I sneak into Mack’s bed at night, just so I can smell him. When Derek’s asleep, I kiss his head so many times, he should have a hole there. Neither of them know, but it’s something I need. I can’t stop crying. I’ve had great friends who have been sending over meals all week, and I cry when they leave, secretly thanking the world for good people, and secretly praying that Mack grows to be kind like that. That he gets a new mom one day who will teach him to be like that.
I don’t like to talk about dying. I try not to talk about it at all. I often try to hide how I feel from my friends and family, because it’s often more hurtful for me to see them uncomfortable. But sometimes-like this week-(which in large part comes from the fact that I’m just sitting here, growing cancer cells, not getting treatment which shakes me to the core, and is also partially because we ran out of “fall” air fresheners, so I switched to “winter” ones, and it’s bringing horrible flashbacks from our last winter spent in Houston, where I was given a death sentence)-I just need some time to gather my thoughts and get myself together.
This is a rare time where I’m actually discussing how I really feel about this. But for those of you who wonder-those who ask-this. This is what it feels like to have cancer. To not know. To question everything. And say what you will, but having faith in something? That is a hell of a lot harder when you actually need your faith to stay sane. When you’re closer than ever to needing to believe that there is something more for you. Theories are great. Testing them is the hard part. I wish there was something that someone could just say to help me believe and not be afraid. But there’s not. It’s something that I have to learn on my own. I have been wandering for a long time now, and I’m really just hoping to be found.
Ps Go Wolverines!
PSS-here is one thing about my son that I know Ive left him with…he will NEVER leave an empty roll of toilet paper in the bathroom ❤️
ADDENDUM: Ok so since I originally posted this blog, I feel I need to add an addendum!! Thank you so much for all of the caring words, but please know: 1) I’m not going to kill myself lol. 2) I’m not giving up…like…AT ALL. 3) part of the reason that I have the blog is because it’s therapy for me sometimes to write about how I’m feeling. I still have a hard time talking about any of this out loud or in person, so please please don’t take offense if I text or email rather than calling on the phone. At least until I’m able to collect my thoughts! 4) I am really not like this all of the time. 95% of the time, I am totally with it, and ready to beat this bullshit. But sometimes a gal just needs that 5% ton have a pity party!