Status/post surgery has been fine. Still waiting for insurance approval. Physically, bone and liver pain, and mentally? Well mentally, I’ve never felt worse since this whole thing began in 2012. 

I feel lost lately. So so lost. I find myself wandering around the house, forgetting what to do next-suddenly getting pings of sheer terror, especially while Mack is at school and derek is at work. I start to freak out-like what if this is it? What if this is my last hour? I need to be with my family. I HAVE to be with my family. Sometimes it takes me hours to calm down. I feel crazy. I feel empty. I look at things-like a letter I sent-will this be the last letter I ever send? It’s silly. It really is. But I am really having a difficult time moving past it. I sneak into Mack’s bed at night, just so I can smell him. When Derek’s asleep, I kiss his head so many times, he should have a hole there. Neither of them know, but it’s something I need. I can’t stop crying. I’ve had great friends who have been sending over meals all week, and I cry when they leave, secretly thanking the world for good people, and secretly praying that Mack grows to be kind like that. That he gets a new mom one day who will teach him to be like that.

I don’t like to talk about dying. I try not to talk about it at all. I often try to hide how I feel from my friends and family, because it’s often more hurtful for me to see them uncomfortable. But sometimes-like this week-(which in large part comes from the fact that I’m just sitting here, growing cancer cells, not getting treatment which shakes me to the core, and is also partially because we ran out of “fall” air fresheners, so I switched to “winter” ones, and it’s bringing horrible flashbacks from our last winter spent in Houston, where I was given a death sentence)-I just need some time to gather my thoughts and get myself together.

This is a rare time where I’m actually discussing how I really feel about this. But for those of you who wonder-those who ask-this. This is what it feels like to have cancer. To not know. To question everything. And say what you will, but having faith in something? That is a hell of a lot harder when you actually need your faith to stay sane. When you’re closer than ever to needing to believe that there is something more for you. Theories are great. Testing them is the hard part. I wish there was something that someone could just say to help me believe and not be afraid. But there’s not. It’s something that I have to learn on my own. I have been wandering for a long time now, and I’m really just hoping to be found.

Ps Go Wolverines!

PSS-here is one thing about my son that I know Ive left him with…he will NEVER leave an empty roll of toilet paper in the bathroom ❤️

ADDENDUM: Ok so since I originally posted this blog, I feel I need to add an addendum!! Thank you so much for all of the caring words, but please know: 1) I’m not going to kill myself lol. 2) I’m not giving up…like…AT ALL. 3) part of the reason that I have the blog is because it’s therapy for me sometimes to write about how I’m feeling. I still have a hard time talking about any of this out loud or in person, so please please don’t take offense if I text or email rather than calling on the phone. At least until I’m able to collect my thoughts! 4) I am really not like this all of the time. 95% of the time, I am totally with it, and ready to beat this bullshit. But sometimes a gal just needs that 5% ton have a pity party!

9 thoughts on “Found.

  1. Oh Mary you break my heart. I understand the feeling of being lost. I experienced it when I lost my mother. She was my best friend and had lived with us for 10 years after we lost my dad. I was in a terrible place unable to get back to my life any life. And I know about being diagnosed with cancer. It is an experience that only ourselves can ever understand and deal with. We have loving family and friends who try to tell us all will be alright but we are still alone. We have Dr’s hopefully good ones but we are still the one with cancer!! No matter who we have or who we talk to at the end of each day we have the cancer!! I know I can never compare myself to you but I can understand your thoughts. It’s the everyday thoughts of what if? We live with it every waking hour. You are in a state of shock and you are trying to climb out of that uncertainty.Try very hard to keep the faith and think positive. I know it’s easier said than done. But you know like I do thinking positive is the only way to think. Try to put the negative thoughts aside. They alone can drive you insane. Take an ativan or 2 and get prepared to fight. Get ready to go into battle and never give up. Mack has a mother and Derek has a wife. Try very hard to put away your fears and get ready to get yourself better. I’m thinking of you and praying for you. I hope you are able to find the strength you need to beat this fucking disease…..

  2. Mary. I am lost too since my husband is gone. I am terrified every day and wait to wake up from what surely must be a dream. It is different from what you are experiencing I know but many of us walk that tightrope of barely hanging on. We’re great at fooling people. We’re brave mostly to protect others. Just know you are not alone, not going crazy, and it’s all just part of the roller coaster of living with this awful nightmare for so long. We are all here listening and loving you from afar. Rochelle

  3. Thank you for sharing and being open about what you are going through. I can in no way understand that kind of pain and sadness as I have not gone through what you are. Our family prays for you constantly. Prayers for you to be healed and cured and have many years with your sweet family.

  4. Hello Mary ❤
    M-Fucking cancer!!
    I read your blog about wandering around, smelling your sons clothes; and I could relate to that part of what panic you were feeling. And that is exactly what you are going through (with everything else) is a Panic/Anxiety Attack. I am 65 right now and my first that I can remember; I was 6. I want to give you the proverbial "light blub" it took me all these years to figure out. The answer to why a person has an anxiety attack is – you can't fix the problem. And I feel is why it is all consuming. I look back at the times I had full blown, can't eat, sleep, think, talk, shower; all I want to do is crawl in a dark place in the fetal position. So I started taking Xanax and could actually come down off my dark, gloomy cloud and FEEL. I started going to counseling at 26, and was 38 before someone finally told me what I had. The only reason I'm telling you this is; it's a horrible feeling to have one, on top of everything else you're going through. And believe it or breathing in and out of a paper bag does help. Mainly because I felt so silly.
    ANYWAY my dear – I want to send warm, arms around you, holding you close to me for support HUGS. If I was with you right now; that's what I would do because it makes you feel like you're being held together. Wouldn't it be great to be a turtle so you can suck yourself into your shell and you can rest, and maybe; just maybe you can grasp a moment of calm. Seeing you at the Easter Egg hunt in April was so wonderful. I really, seriously don't know how your 5% can be so strong. I am truly amazed that Kris's dad, Pete can have such a strong faith in God when his lovely daughter passed. He keeps saying that he would've fallen apart if he didn't believe he will see her again in heaven someday. FAITH – 5 letters that people are able to hold onto – no matter what comes their way! I do believe in God, because we all got here somehow; so I smile and try to understand when Pete tells me I need to believe also. I remember him telling me how Kris would talk to you about God. When we went to see her at the hospital she told her dad that she, "wanted to go home". He told her, honey; you can't go back to the house and she said, "no, I want to go home".
    I can't ever know what you go through on a day to day basis, but I just wanted you let you know that I think of you so often and if there is anything you'd like me to do for you, please give a holler. I've been told my hugs are magical. 🙂 My phone number is 216-857-0940. If I am available, I'll be there.
    Cancer sucks the big one. If I can be tested to see if I can donate something from me to you, let me know who to contact.
    HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Mary –

    Greeting from California.

    I am new to posting a comment but reading your blog post today, I found it is time. I have been following you for two years this month. I stumbled upon your blog one day while I was sick in bed and I never left. I love your sense of humor, I love your tenacity, I love catching up on you like you’re a friend chatting over coffee – sharing your updates of Mack and Derek and what is going on in your life. You are a remarkable woman. You are a hero. You are the epitome of strength.

    And it is so okay to be where you are in this moment. It really is. Let yourself just be. Cry if you need to. Stomp your feet. It is all okay. I am sure you’re feeling utterly defeated and it is hard to be mentally drained at rock bottom. But I think if you allow yourself the feelings, it will pass and you will soon again find the amazing strength you always carry. You are allowed to not be strong every single day. It does not mean you will not get back to where you were.

    It must be the most scariest thing ever you’re going through. The not knowing, the body changes. And I utterly hate that this is occurring once again as the holidays approach. Life is so unfair and I just hate that. I am sorry.

    I hope somehow the anxiety attacks ease up. Those are horrible; been there myself. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 16 and I understand how cancer can affect a family.

    If your family ever needs anything at all, we here in California are here for you! Just contact me via my blog.

    And girl, I truly know, it is NOT your time. I truly know that in my heart. You keep moving forward kicking cancer’s ass, because you my dear, are amazeballs!

    You got fans out in Cali! We are rooting for you every day and praying for you. xo

  6. Mary,
    My wonderful friend Harriet got me to start reading your blog about a year ago. i, too am from California and Just wanted to send a quick note to say we are rooting for you in your battle with cancer. I’ve Been following your Blog & Twitter posts for quite awhile. Keep up the fight, stay strong, & can’t wait to read about you kicking cancers ASS! You are a true fighter. Isis would have no chance against you!
    Oh & P.S…. When Mack puts the toilet paper roll on… is it paper on top or underneath. (I say on top)

  7. When my daughter was diagnosed with leukemia at age 4, her doctor told us to treat her like she was going to live. At the time, I thought it was so that we would not spoil her (hahahahahaha- that totally did not work), but now I believe she was really offering us hope. Perhaps this very same advice would work for you. Treat yourself like you are going to live.

    My girl did live, and she is still kicking cancer’s butt (late affects, etc. – you know the drill) – and it’s not always easy when we are fighting the after affects of something that happened so long ago. We are no strangers to anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

    But I have learned that when God feels farthest away is when he is the closest, regardless of how I feel. I encourage you to talk to God – honestly, openly – about everything. Ask him to forgive and heal you. Tell him your angry and fed up. How much you love your family. How you wish you could feel Him. How you want to enjoy every moment of every day.

    I will continue to “stand in the gap” for you – as will many others who know you personally or via this blog- by praying when you can’t, believing when you can’t, standing firm and unafraid when you can’t. May God bless you and keep you – strengthen you and sustain you. And may you KNOW you are found.
    PS-one of my favorite spiritual authors is Anne Lamott. She has been thru hell and back (different path – same destination) and I think you would enjoy her outlook on faith.
    PPS. Your sense of humor is truly a gift. Your ability to bring laughter to others in the midst of your pain might be the first place you want to look for God. He’s right there.
    PPSS. If all else fails, try birthday cake.

  8. Oh, Mary. Keep fighting!! What the hell is the hold up with the insurance? I know your friends have raised money for you and your family in the past. Is that still going on? You are the most remarkable woman. You are so honest and genuine, and a blessing to this world. You’ve got to stay with us!!!!! Keep fighting! Kick cancer’s ass!!!

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