The first week home from the hospital was great. It makes such a difference to be at home. Mack told me that he would really “wove it” if I stayed home now. Me too, buddy! It’s also a little scary to be home though–at the hospital when I have an ache, pain, or certain feeling, there is always someone right there to ask questions to. Being at home is a little different, and at this point, 3 years in, it’s impossible to know the difference between normal and cancer anymore. But also since I’ve been home, our air conditioning compressor is on the fritz, we had to have a contractor come out with an estiamte on fixing the front of our roof, which is starting to collapse from all of the ice and snow over the past two years, and it looks like we have a carpenter ant problem, which could end up to cost more than I would like to think about, and certainly more than we have. But oh well. Such is life. And there’s still no place like home!

I have had to go into Seidman every other day since I’ve been home for blood checks and IV meds. Up until this point, it was an anti-fungal antibiotic, and magnesium. Now it’s just magnesium, unless I need a blood transfusion (low red cell count). So far (knock on wood), my counts have been great!!! White cells have remained steady in the normal category (on their own), and liver enzymes have almost completely returned to normal. Unfortunatly, I am not allowed to drink for like 6 months post transplant. WTF?! Of all people, I am fairly certain I could use a drink! Once again, thanks a lot Universe. Next up is more waiting. I really need to make it a full year this time, without relapse. I don’t know when my first scan will be, as it hasn’t been scheduled yet, but for the next month or so, it’s just frequent blood checks, and phsyical exams for evidence of GVHD (Graft vs. Host disease).

I had my trifusion in my chest removed, and a picc line placed in my arm instead. At least now I can wear a bra and look semi normal in shirts, but I still can’t take a normal shower yet. Dumb. At least my ariola feels free as a bird finally!

My hands still shake quite a bit, I have heartburn, and I am SOOOOOOOO tired ALLLLLLLL the time. The doctor said it was normal, and I would especially be feeling tired since I have a toddler at home, and can’t really rest when I need to, (which is totally true). I have not yet started working out, although I clean the house and move around all the time, which is actually pretty hard for me still. Everyday gets a little bit easier, except for my anxiety. As you know, I have already been down this road where I go through some awful shit, start to feel totally normal again, and it turns out I have cancer. I am so scared all the time, and I hate it. I really try to distract myself whenever I have a fleeting thought about relapse, but it’s hard to do.

I went back to work this week. WOWZA. I didn’t realize how many brain cells were killed during this last chemo! It is slow going for me to say the least, and I’m still trying to get used to typing with shakey hands. But, it certainly is a distraction from having to think about cancer for 10 hours, and also makes me feel like a normal/productive human being.

I will say, I do miss all of my nurses at Seidman. I also miss just pressing a button, and poof! Someone is right there to see what you need. Sure wish I had one of those at home! Although I really wouldn’t need it, because I truly have been blessed with such an amazingly supportive husband, who tells me I’m beautiful even during my worst moments.

In some non cancer-related news, I became a Godparent since I’ve been home, to Ozzie, a member of the fake family 3rd generation. I am so honored to have been a part of the baptism, and to become a Godmother again. Also he is super flippin cute. ❀

Thank you again to all of the preschool parents, friends, family members, and even blog readers whom I’ve never met, who have graciously been bringing us dinner a few nights a week. Honestly, it is a total Godsend right now. We are forever grateful.

Cheers to many more years!

PS-Please keep my friend Erin’s daughter, Clare, in your thoughts and prayers.

GO CAVS!!!!!!!!!


4 thoughts on “ZZZZzzzzzzzz

  1. You look wonderful! We have never met (although I work with Jen Flaherty, which is how I first learned of your blog). I pray for you everyday. You are very likely one of the strongest people I’ve ever known — even if it is just through cyberspace πŸ™‚ I don’t think you are going anywhere — your energy, optimism, and spirit are needed here. You have inspired me (and I’m sure countless others) more times than you could possibly know. Love and Light — continue to feel better and stronger every day. We are all pulling for you.

  2. So have you ever thought about who might play you in the movie of your incredible journey? Of course, totally awesome happy ending with you playing with your grand babies . You’re so pretty.. Thinking…. 😎

  3. So glad to hear all is good for you. I totally understand the anxiety as I deal with it every day We are living with the uncertainty of it returning every day. I like you, I try to block it out of my mind but it can return with awful thoughts that freak me out. But we have to live for today. And God willing for the next 100 years. Hey Mary you are an old pro at this, you will handle it. If anyone can beat this cruel shitty disease you can.A quote from the great Winston Churchill during WW2 ” Keep buggering on.” So we shall follow his words. xx

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