-Chemo last Friday wasn’t too horrible. I didn’t receive the Cisplatin, which is the suckiest of all the drugs I get because it makes me puke/want to puke, So recovery time wasn’t too bad, minus the fact that I still have this horrible cold that I can’t seem to get rid of! Just started a new antibiotic yesterday, so here’s hoping. Damn white cells. (or lack there of).
Once again Valentine’s Day was spent in a drug induced state, but we had fun anyway. It was freezing here, and a total blizzard outside, so Mack, Derek and I spent the day dancing in the kitchen, making arts and crafts, coloring on the windows, eating pizza, and watching Big Hero 6. It was a great day. Mack even hand wrote his own card, which I thought was really well done!!! (see above).
Still hosting our Monday night Bachelor viewing party/dinner, which I love. It totally gives me a sense of normal, and is something to look forward to during the week. (totally missing you, Beck!)–On that note, I just want to say that Kelsy is cray, and Whitney sounds like she sucked in a helium balloon every time she talks. My fake family and friends came together, spear-headed by Sammers, and made me an awesome scrapbook, which they brought over last week. It was so amazing. I look at it every single day. It reminds me that I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life who love me, and who I love right back. (PS Annie seriously, some of those pics from college could have remained hidden. but I still love you).
Little else has been happening, which I guess is good? I still have not yet heard from my doc as to whether or not I got into the clinical trials, and have my next round of chemo scheduled for 9 days from now. This relapse has been a lot different emotionally/mentally for me–for all of us, because of the cancer’s aggressiveness. I have terrible anxiety, and really have trouble sleeping. I feel like I don’t want to fall asleep because I will never have that time again. There is one thing I keep focusing on though. Every night, Mack and I talk about how sometimes he won’t be able to see me in person, but that I’ll still be there with him. Invisible, I tell him. I tell him that he can still talk to me, and I may not answer him, but that I’ll be listening. We go over that scenario every night. He seems to understand it somewhat.
I certainly am not a perfect person. Not even close. But throughout all of this, I have realized how important relationships/friendships/loyalty is. I’ve realized that in your life, it doesn’t even matter where you end up. Rich with lots of money, no cares in the world; broke and struggling every month; divorced; depressed; etc etc. What really matters is how you got there. And so in the time I have left on this Earth, I want Mack to see that the outcome doesn’t really matter, so long as you live a life that you’re proud of. That is what is most important. And if you’re not proud of it? Well then as long as you have a life left to live, you have an opportunity to change it.
And now to end on a funny note. I can blog about this now because my doc found out about it. I Was totally planning on taking it to the grave (too soon?). Anyway, while I was in the hospital last week, I was prescribed ambien (a sleep aid) because as I mentioned above, I have a lot of trouble sleeping. (The steroids I’m on don’t really help with that either). I was taking 2 pills (5 mg each) in the hospital, because one did nothing. When I went home and had my prescription filled, I didn’t realize that they made it 10 mg a pill! …I think you can see where this is heading. So about 11pm at night, I threw back 2 pills with some water, noticing too late what the dosage read on the bottle. HEATH LEDGER!!!!!! that’s all I could think!!! So shout out to my primary nurse Theresa, who happened to still be at work with the pharmacy on-call. Turns out I just got waaaaaay stoned, but Derek had to come check on me every so often. I also ended up sleeping in the dog’s bed at some point??? It was so trippy, and I don’t remember anything. Except that apparently I texted the following message to Theresa: “I feel like I’m really drunk, and everything seems pretty funny….I thee colors are so bright…..I’ll stay away from all the white ones though”
?????? And that’s my OD story. You’re welcome.