Ambien is Weird.

This was on my "time hop" thing on Facebook the other day. It's hard to even remember life before cancer.

This was on my “time hop” thing on Facebook the other day. It’s hard to even remember life before cancer.

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-Chemo last Friday wasn’t too horrible. I didn’t receive the Cisplatin, which is the suckiest of all the drugs I get because it makes me puke/want to puke, So recovery time wasn’t too bad, minus the fact that I still have this horrible cold that I can’t seem to get rid of! Just started a new antibiotic yesterday, so here’s hoping. Damn white cells. (or lack there of).

Once again Valentine’s Day was spent in a drug induced state, but we had fun anyway. It was freezing here, and a total blizzard outside, so Mack, Derek and I spent the day dancing in the kitchen, making arts and crafts, coloring on the windows, eating pizza, and watching Big Hero 6. It was a great day. Mack even hand wrote his own card, which I thought was really well done!!! (see above).

Still hosting our Monday night Bachelor viewing party/dinner, which I love. It totally gives me a sense of normal, and is something to look forward to during the week. (totally missing you, Beck!)–On that note, I just want to say that Kelsy is cray, and Whitney sounds like she sucked in a helium balloon every time she talks. My fake family and friends came together, spear-headed by Sammers, and made me an awesome scrapbook, which they brought over last week. It was so amazing. I look at it every single day. It reminds me that I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life who love me, and who I love right back. (PS Annie seriously, some of those pics from college could have remained hidden. but I still love you).

Little else has been happening, which I guess is good? I still have not yet heard from my doc as to whether or not I got into the clinical trials, and have my next round of chemo scheduled for 9 days from now. This relapse has been a lot different emotionally/mentally for me–for all of us, because of the cancer’s aggressiveness. I have terrible anxiety, and really have trouble sleeping. I feel like I don’t want to fall asleep because I will never have that time again. There is one thing I keep focusing on though. Every night, Mack and I talk about how sometimes he won’t be able to see me in person, but that I’ll still be there with him. Invisible, I tell him. I tell him that he can still talk to me, and I may not answer him, but that I’ll be listening. We go over that scenario every night. He seems to understand it somewhat.

I certainly am not a perfect person. Not even close. But throughout all of this, I have realized how important relationships/friendships/loyalty is. I’ve realized that in your life, it doesn’t even matter where you end up. Rich with lots of money, no cares in the world; broke and struggling every month; divorced; depressed; etc etc. What really matters is how you got there. And so in the time I have left on this Earth, I want Mack to see that the outcome doesn’t really matter, so long as you live a life that you’re proud of. That is what is most important. And if you’re not proud of it? Well then as long as you have a life left to live, you have an opportunity to change it.

And now to end on a funny note. I can blog about this now because my doc found out about it. I Was totally planning on taking it to the grave (too soon?). Anyway, while I was in the hospital last week, I was prescribed ambien (a sleep aid) because as I mentioned above, I have a lot of trouble sleeping. (The steroids I’m on don’t really help with that either). I was taking 2 pills (5 mg each) in the hospital, because one did nothing. When I went home and had my prescription filled, I didn’t realize that they made it 10 mg a pill! …I think you can see where this is heading. So about 11pm at night, I threw back 2 pills with some water, noticing too late what the dosage read on the bottle. HEATH LEDGER!!!!!! that’s all I could think!!! So shout out to my primary nurse Theresa, who happened to still be at work with the pharmacy on-call. Turns out I just got waaaaaay stoned, but Derek had to come check on me every so often. I also ended up sleeping in the dog’s bed at some point??? It was so trippy, and I don’t remember anything. Except that apparently I texted the following message to Theresa: “I feel like I’m really drunk, and everything seems pretty funny….I thee colors are so bright…..I’ll stay away from all the white ones though”

?????? And that’s my OD story. You’re welcome.

6 thoughts on “Ambien is Weird.

  1. Doesn’t everyone have an Ambien story? That crap is powerful (and entertaining) . Thanks for the smile this morning. As always, sending love and strength your way.

  2. I really enjoyed reading this blog. I was happy to hear how much fun your Valentines Day was. Glad the chemo wasn’t too awful. And the Ambien story was too funny. I remember freaking out on meds for chemo nausea, so I could never take that stuff. I’d probably end up walking down the street or something as crazy. Scary stuff. Sending good thoughts and prayers.

  3. Hi Mary, Pete Pirnat said to say hello. Since he’s not computer savvy at all, I send your story to him. He’s saying a prayer for u and your family. Out of the blue he’ll say “I miss Kris”. He said her daughter looks just like her mom at that
    age. And Drazen is just adorable. I know u said u and Kris were opposite but in so many ways. So my very heartfelt thoughts are going your way.

  4. Hi Mary, I stumbled across your blog on Facebook a little over a year ago. I’ve never met you, but one of my friends from high school is a mutual friend of yours. I’ve been reading ever since, and you are an absolutely amazing person. I am inspired by you, your humor and your courage to share your story with the world! I am praying for you and your family every day!

  5. Mary – I love your feisty sense of humor – I don’t know how you can have me crying on an inhale and cracking up on the exhale. You are one incredible young woman.

    I don’t know if I should mention this or not, but your story is so similar to that of my little sister. She had a different type of cancer (colon cancer and equally vicious) — at the exact same age as you – and with a child (a little girl) the exact same age as your little boy. At one point when she was in isolation waiting for her white count to bounce back up, I sent her a pair of googly-eyes – you know, those glasses with big eyeball on springs? Anyhow, she rang for her nurse, saying into the intercom: “I seem to be having some blurred vision today”. Well, her (awesome) battle-tested nurse came in, gaped — and gasped so loudly, half the staff came running in ; ) Afterwards, they all sat down and had a good laugh — and then a good cry.

    My little sister didn’t make it – although this was 27 years ago and there weren’t nearly as many treatment options available. But I just want to let you know that my sister is very much a part of the life of her “little girl” – who’s now 31and a mother herself. There was an empty chair at her wedding – honoring her mom – with a gorgeous lily on it — she named her little girl after her mom — she craves stories about her mother – and photos, letters written by her mom and everything she can get her hands on. I’m only telling you this because you have done such a marvelous job writing your story that if he should need it (and that’s a HUGE “if”) your little guy will have all sorts of things that will keep your memory alive in a vibrant and loving and wonderful way. So keep doing what you’re doing. You have a zillion people rooting for you, Mary – and I’m one of them.


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