The Scan showed progression in my liver and tumor in my left breast. Chemo didn’t work. Oncologist said if it were up to her she wouldn’t even bother with chemo in a nutshell). We said yes, obvie, but she doesn’t even think it will help. Have to go inpatient at home as soon as we land; beginning signs of liver failure (high calcium levels). That’s cool. Will have 2 rounds of some fucking awful chemo inpatient and be treated for my high calcium levels from my shotty liver. Will have another scan after 2 rounds. If it shows I’m well enough for transplant, they are still allowing it, however, seems like only my stem cell doctor remains somewhat optimistic. Not really sure what’s going to happen anymore. Guess we have to prepare for the worst at this point. Probably the worst day of my life to date.

I’m guessing I will be at Seidman for about a week.

BUT! Here is the good news: if the chemo works, and the transplant is successful, there is a 60% chance of a cure. So not throwing in the towel just yet! Step one-need to pray my liver stays strong and the chemo works. Step 2-pray for successful transplant. Step 3-fuck this cancer up.

….step 4: have a kicked cancer’s ass party, where I become wildly intoxicated.

…..step 5: tell my grandkids about this journey one day.

In other amazing news, we found a chick-fil-a here at md Anderson which was like the best news we’ve had all day!! Who doesn’t love chick-Fil-a?! Fools. That’s who.

Looks like this will be another long year. But we are ready for this battle.

Please keep the prayers coming. Really need some strength right now 🙂

16 thoughts on “Suck.

  1. Sigh… I’m whining about my 4 months with Bells Palsy (sucks) so guess I should pretty much suck it up. S always you are in my thoughts and the recipient of all my positive vibes. Why you and your amazing family have to deal with all this is just beyond me. You make me stronger just by reading what you endure. Always with you in spirit on this crazy journey. Much love and eternal hope. Rochelle

  2. Mary I have just read your posts. I believe you can tell your grandchildren your story one day. You are one fighter and you can beat this. I say ” Fuck Cancer.” Mary I pray for you every day and I know God hears me. Keep strong and don’t stop fighting. And may God Bless You.

  3. Hello Mary, just like the withered flower which gave to the world beauty and leaves, as we all will. I know we work together and people have to adjust to co-workers, but when you walked down the aisle every man stopped and wondered if an angle had just passed, I include myself. The thing was even as physical stunning you did not hold others from knowing the person, as if you did not see what others saw. It is sincerity that I remember well especially the time we saw you in Little Italy, me and Rudy, your kindness and how you treated others is the first time I understood how Aphrodite influenced men to greatness and a muse for all art forms. It was being beautiful, but you also physically beautiful. I know we were not well known to one another outside of work, but when i saw the experiences you share for those beginning treatment or a family member who feel isolated in sadness knew that they were not and i believe i weep at your gift of humility and grace but also a mouth that maintains her fuck this fuck that party girl. There is a store of a prince who a wizard locked away in a tower with one window sealed by bars. The prince would bang his head and crown on the bars trying to be free and the sound the crown made was so beautiful people would stop to grab the air some where overcome and froze. The noise brought so much joy to so many people who were in its presence. The prince never got out of the tower but the sound his suffering when banging his head, pain and isolation, brought so much joy and was thought it was a god singing and healed many of illness and sadness. So, life will be as it will, acceptance is the faith to suffer no more, it is not weakness but strength others will remember. I wish you get well and life does not deny you time, but i pray as i did when I was being treat for 11 months of treatment because i had acquire Hep C. The shots and pills was worse than being tortured, but i asked God to do what is going to be and only asked that if it is my time provide the acceptance, the serenity to no what i could change and what i could not do for myself. I was cured meet my wife and had want i never thought i would, a little girl. I may not be perfect, but she makes me want to be a better man. So this pass November i was at home at around nine pm and painting, i went down to the basement to clean my brush, walk to the fridge and dropped to the floor where i laid for two hours while i was drowning as the pneumonia filled both lungs. For some reason, my wife feel asleep on the couch and saw me laid out. She held my hand which was cold. She called 911 and took my daughter into the bedroom so she did not see her father taken out in a bag. The paramedics came and told her they could not find pulse and they were sorry being ready to DOA me. Then some how one of them found a weak pulse and away to the hospital. When i came to light was blind and i was surprised think i was in Heaven, but when i felt the tubes down my throat and every 15 min they would pump it and release to suck out the liquid but it through your body into a seizure for several minutes after the fourth time i figure i was in hell, i made a gesture to write something to them. I was given paper and pen and wrote Please Kill Me. But i was told i would be fine after several days. Then i saw my wife and the look she still held when she thought i was dead. I owe her my life, she saved me and not as a husband but a person who is forever indebted. I healed quickly and out in a week. So a long suffering taught me humility and after the quick death like experience it is just knowing i have no control and acceptance took away the fears of life and getting older, instead i found it serene but things which i found important seem so pointless and the things i saw important was something i learned from a girl i worked with who was struggling with cancer. a smile and being able to make the world, if just my corner, better than i found it. I am an artist outside or work and paint. Having never taken a lesson and removing my ego, i was the brush of some greater being who painted while i watched, a vessel but not beauty but the depression, shame, guilt store inside was on the canvas and i was in my tower banging my head. I learned to not fear the honesty and sincerity and in almost a year and a half i have been in over 25 group shows, with one in NYC and several in LA, have been in several magazine and was name artist of the month in New York even though i did not live there, i am having my first solo show in Columbus that will be up for a month and received an email that the Cleveland Create had accepted my painting. I still find it hard to explain but I just accept and sharing the images of that which most eyes turn from, more and more people see themselves and no they are not alone. So without knowing it your strength of character to not allow vanity or feeling so open inspired at least one person. I will end with a link to my Tumblr site which i use as a catalog online for curators to see but also something a women wrote to me on Facebook which has galleries all over the world, i am a hit in India apparently, but her words reminded me i am not alone. I saw you without the hair and glasses and sick and you never looked more radiant in your inner beauty in your tower banging your crown. and here are her words
    “Really like your body of work. my mind reads it like a story about the pains of humanity behind a veil of psychological innocence and frustration paired with an element of hope and purity. That’s good, I hope that doesn’t sound bad! Anyhow, I just saw one of your paintings on my news feed and I really got a lot of feelings from it. Very nice work, it spoke to me in a whisper behind a scream. Definitely going to check out your visual story line, thank you for the link. it is rare that someone’s work pulls me in like that, I identify with how you depict this world of smoke and mirrors.” Peace be with you Mary.

  4. Mary, The doctors in Houston don’t know everything, and they ESPECIALLY don’t understand what a fighter you are and how very many people love you. We are out here baraging the heavens with prayers for complete healing for you and we don’t intend to quit anytime soon. I picture you surrounded by all of our guardian angels giving you healing light and love. The Houston oncologist needs to find another line of work… Clearly that doc needs to get out of the way of those who believe in you, no matter what. Strong Like BUeLL!

    • Thanks Kathy. I really appreciate. Actually she means well and is crazy smart, it’s just she has a somewhat poor delivery. I don’t take too much stock in it. I’m always a glass half full kind of girl 😉

  5. Loved seeing you recently …You are one beautiful person and Jim and I are praying for you always and hoping for the best scenario beacause you are one special lady. Hope you can feel our love. jeanne and jim

  6. Mary,
    I’m an ’03 graduate from JCU and try to keep up with your journey as often as I can. I’m so sorry you are going through this but it is clear how strong you are and how well loved. Just know we are keeping you in our prayers as well. 🙏 keep up the fight!!

  7. ill be sending prayers for you and your family. You can beat this!!!!! One day at a time. I almost lost my son two years ago. It’s a miracle that he is alive with no brain damage. I do believe in miracles and the power of prayer. Please keep posted.

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