That’s pretty much how it feels. Had the final appointment with my oncologist at Anderson yesterday. My cancer has transformed to T cell rich, large diffuse B cell NHL. It is very aggressive. The oncologist said chemo would not be an option, as chemo has not worked for me in the past. She wants me to start on an immunosuppressive drug called brituximab, which has successfully treated DLBCL patients in the past, however, due to the advancement of my disease, she has “serious concerns” that it will even work at all. If the cancer can not be reduced enough by my next PET scan in February, then I will not qualify for the donor transplant. If by chance it does work, and I’m able to undergo the transplant, my oncologist said that a relapse for me will be inevitable. Unfortunately, I also do not qualify for any clinical trials, due to the advancement of my disease.
I had so much hope going to Anderson, and now…well….I just don’t even know how to feel. There is still a very small chance that I can survive this, but it’s very small. Good news was that it has not spread to my brain, and that all of the tumors in my body are pretty small for now, so other than feeling tired and losing weight, I feel fine. Eventually though, if this drug doesn’t work, (*the drug may not work because it uses proteins from my liver to attack the cancer cells, and my liver is filled with cancer)-I will start to feel the effects of liver failure, or will be unable to walk, as the cancer is in my legs and spine.
Do you know how hard it is to explain heaven to a 4 year old? And to try to do it convincingly, as if I weren’t scared to death, and have no idea what I’m talking about? Derek and I look at eachother differently. I feel guilty that he married me, and has to watch me go through this.
I meet with dr c on Monday, so we’ll see when I can start the drug. Even though there is only a slim chance that I will survive, I’m going to fight like hell, and I’m not giving up.
In the meantime though, we could desperately use a miracle. So if ya’ll happen to have some pull with the big man upstairs, please put in a good word.
Ps special thanks for all the words of support and encouragement. Especially to my Seidman 3 nurses, Theresa and Rebecca, who came late to cleveland airport last night to greet me with well wishes and hugs and support, as we got off the plane. That meant the world to me.
PSS dear Ellen Show. Don’t forget about me. Time is what I don’t have much of!