Almost exactly one year ago, I wrote a similar post to the one I am writing now. Yesterday I had my PET scan. The results came back positive for cancer. Again. Stage 4. It is aggressive, and it is everywhere. Well everywhere except for my spleen, since I don’t have one.
Shock. Disbelief. Fear. Anger. These are the things I am feeling, but my emotions and my thoughts seemed too jumbled right now to decipher. I think the worst part is that I feel fine. I don’t feel sick like I did before, and yet, my body is failing me. It’s like a total mind fuck.
When Dr C. called me last night with the news, I had to ask her–just straight up–Am I going to die? I mean obviously I have a chemo resistant type of cancer. So how the hell do we treat cancer if we don’t use chemo? And herein lies the problem: She really doesn’t know. Nobody does. And nobody knows because there are ZERO case studies for someone like me–my age–demographic–type–stage etc. We have exhausted the obvious treatment courses with no luck. So for now, after my liver biopsy (a lot of the cancer appears to be there, so that seems like a good place to cut a piece out), we will start treatment using Rituximab, which is usually used in patients with my type of cancer in stages 1 and 2. Dr. C. said that it could keep the cancer at bay for many years. I just hope and pray that by “many”, that really means like 80.
Truth be told, I did not have a good feeling about this scan. I hadn’t slept for days before, and I told Derek that I just didn’t have a good feeling. I had symptoms too-really tired, and itchy skin. But I also (TMI alert) had gotten my period for the first time in a year which was kind of a miracle really, so I just attributed my fatigue to that. Turns out it was from low white counts. obvie. Maybe all this chemo the past few years has made me psychic.
I will see Dr. C on Weds, and we will discuss other options, such as clinical trials–likely at MD Anderson. At this point, it seems like no one really has any idea as to the best course of action to take, but since the conventional methods aren’t working a clinical trial might be our best bet. The only thing that sucks is the cost of everything. It sucks to have to worry about money throughout all of this, but Texas would be on our own dime. Cancer is such a great money making business, after all.
Today is mine and Derek’s 3 year wedding anniversary. When I was looking for a card to get him, one of them talked about how marriage is hard work, but when you look back, the good always outweighs the bad, and the hard times don’t really seem so hard. I didn’t get that card. Because that’s bullshit. Our bad times have certainly outweighed the good, and the hard times are definitely hard. But I feel so lucky to have met him, because I don’t know what I would do or where I would be without him. He has been through an awful lot with me; taking care of me/Mack etc., and a lot of men wouldn’t have done that.
Here are my thoughts for now, until I know more about what is going to happen to me: If I can get like 10 good years I feel like I could go peacefully. The most important thing to me is the same thing that Kris said to me. I don’t want Mack to have to look at a picture to remember me. I would love to be able to see him grow up as much as I can; Will he play sports? Will he be a class clown? Will he have lots of friends? All of these things I wonder. I dream of sitting in the bleachers at a football game, watching my son play. And he’s the star. And I wear a shirt with his number on it, screaming “that’s my baby!” I am lucky to have experienced true love in my life time, and I guess in the grand scheme of things, that is what is most important.
Here are my other thoughts: I OFFICIALLY HATE THE HOLIDAY SEASON. OFFICIALLY. HATE IT.
The cards seem to be pretty stacked against me, but I am NOT READY TO DIE. And I will not go down without a fight. That I know for certain.