Size 4, biotch.

I have totally been slacking in my blog posting, but I wanted to wait to post until I received my MRI results, which wasn’t until Tuesday. In a nutshell, they couldn’t tell me definitively whether or not the inflammation present in my spine marrow was malignant or benign. Awesome! My oncologist doesn’t seem too worried about it though, and tells me not to worry as well—errr…a bit easier said than done, I’d say! So basically now I have to wait another 3 months for the next PET scan, in order to find out whether or not I’m cancer free. At least for the moment, I’m feeling good, and am hopeful.

So since my last post, we threw a surprise 60th bday party for my parents—pics enclosed. It was a fun night, and they had a really good time. It was great to see the majority of our friends and family all in one place. Derek and I went out on a date last weekend, which was our first time out with just the two of us, not going to a wedding or something, in like a year and a half. We ate around 6, had a few drinks, then we had no idea what to do with our time. Lol. We are a sad, sad case. This weekend is the 4th—We’re heading to the Indians game (Mack’s first time), which hopefully will go well! He does love fireworks and cotton candy, so I think we’ll be ok. I was finally able to run just over 10 miles last week, but have been too tired to do it since. I hope to do it again today or tomorrow, but unfortunately I learned that I have some arthritis in my hips, so its becoming a bit painful. I’m such an old bag :(

I have been thinking about Kris a lot lately. Mostly I think about her when I run. I think she would have run the ½ marathon with me too. Whenever I feel like giving up, I always think about how she would come into work, and tell me that she went on the elliptical for an hour at 4am that morning—you know, a day after chemo, and after oodles of radiation to her chest. When I think about that, I just think dang. I couldn’t even move after a chemo session. And if she did it, I can too. Well that’s what I tell myself at least. Now whether or not I can ACTUALLY do this will remain to be seen. But, fingers crossed!

Here is my PSA for this blog post: Holistic medicine. I think it’s great that there are options other than just western medicine, which have been proven to work. I try to use a holistic approach myself, whenever I can. But for me, right now, western medicine is a pretty big part of my life! To each their own on their feelings of vaccinations, but I for one would like mine. No spleen; new immune system; kid starting school in September; Ya, I’d really like some vaccines. Please don’t lecture me about how I’m going to relapse because I’ve decided to get vaccinated, or that I’m going to become autistic. Please don’t tell me that my doctors are stupid because they want me to stay on antibiotics for a year post transplant, because those “stupid” doctors saved my life. And furthermore, don’t say something like “wow you run that much, and you’re STILL 129 lbs?!!” Merp. Ya. That happened, and just so you know, Dr. XXXXXX, I came dangerously close to pointing out the cellulite on your outer thighs. PS. That’s still a size 4 bitch.

Recently someone asked me what it was like to live in a state of a constant unknown; a state of fear and anxiety. My response was this: I have always been a type A—a planner. I would definitely call myself a total tight ass with just a pinch of OCD. But since my diagnosis, my mind set has really changed. I still try to be organized, and write everything down for the month; plan meals and activities for the week etc., but it doesn’t go beyond that, really. I can’t plan for the future. And I don’t want to. I try not to think about my upcoming scans, and what the results will be. I literally force the thoughts from my mind, and try to focus on the things right in front of me. Do you know what it is like to wake up every day and wonder, is this it? Is today the day? Unfortunately, that is me, with every little ache or pain, and it is a struggle sometimes to keep my head afloat. But just when I start to feel that heaviness in my heart, Mack runs in my room telling me he’s all wet with pee, and wants to know if he can please have his vitamins and milk. I roll over to wake Derek up for work, and go to the kitchen to make his lunch. Mack gives me his usual morning hug, and I smell the sweet smell of his God-awful morning breath. I let the dogs outside. I turn on my computer for work or go for a morning run. And just like that, I am me again. I am not a victim. I am not looking for sympathy. I am lucky, and I am blessed.

Pick yourself up and get your shit together. You are not going to die. Now go unload the dishwasher.

pic of my girl Tam and I before Race for the Place!

pic of my girl Tam and I before Race for the Place!

The whole fam damily

The whole fam damily


My mom and her sisters

My mom and her sisters

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Mack in the sprinkler

Mack in the sprinkler

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