Since my last post, I was discharged from the hospital, and was able to attend Kris’ wake. It was horrible, as any wake typically is, but I loved seeing the pictures of her as a child. There was also a memorial for her grandmother, who passed away just a day after her, and it was amazing to me how much they looked alike. I don’t think a day will go by for the rest of my life where I don’t think of you, KS, or your family. You have certainly left a place in my heart.
The day after discharge, I had more outpatient infusion. By the time I got home, I realized how hard this round of chemo really hit me. Remember that one time when I said I wasn’t really nauseous or headachey like I was with the last chemo? I totally jinxed myself. 100% false. I felt like shit. In fact, I still feel like shit, only a little less shitty of shit than yesterday. Sometimes I can eat, but most of the time I don’t, and I can’t poop. Sorry to TMI your eyes about poop here (especially to my boss reading this…my husband is going to be so embarrassed…), but I can’t really describe to you painful it is not to be able to. Not to mention, have any of you fellow chemo-undergoers experienced an extremely painful scalp with hair loss? The first time I lost my hair, it was kind of gradual, so I didn’t really notice much pain. This time however, it seems like its all falling out at once. I actually have to take pain pills because it hurts so bad. Another awesome thing is that my husband has to give me shots daily to help boost my immune system. The side effect is extreme bone pain. (Yup, actually listed on there). Now doesn’t that just sound joyful? I’m running out of places for him to stick the needle in, that don’t cause an excruciating cry from the depths of my soul. Yet another wonderful example of the toxicity of drugs you have to take to treat cancer. That’s enough complaining for the day. That’s where I’m at. Could be worse. On a positive note, since my evil spleen was removed, I actually have been feeling much better, and my doctors are hopeful that the treatment will work this time with it gone. I haven’t had any fevers or night sweats since it was taken out, which for me is a pretty big deal.
And now speaking of evil spleens……..Our dog Diesel (well really my husband’s dog, as he had him before we started dating)…is old. He’s 11 now, which for a pure bred rottweiler is pretty old. They usually only live to be 8-10. We just found out last night that he has a large mass on his spleen, along with another invasive looking tumor growth on his side, and we will likely have to put him down, as he seems to be pretty miserable now. Here is a little tid bit about my husband. I’m fairly certain that he loves his dogs more than me. (ok maybe not, but it’s like neck and neck). He is a complete animal lover. Some of you may also know that Derek lost his dad to lymphoma just before we started dating. He passed away after ICE treatment (what I’m having now), and an unsuccessful transplant. I never had the chance to meet him. Diesel was Derek’s first dog of his own, and his dad loved him. So there is an even stronger emotional attachment there than one may think. And now, our dog has cancer too. lol. Are you fucking kidding me, universe?!!! I must have pissed someone off in a past life. The word “cancer” has become more prevalent in this household than the word “the”, and that’s just dumb.
Mack has taken an interest in my hair loss as of late. By interest, I mean he rubs my head with his hands, and when he gets hair all over them, he complains and throws a fit. Hey, you brought that on yourself little man. And on a somewhat questionable parenting skills note, yesterday, Mack was peeing in the potty when he started swinging his hips around in a circle, and laughing. Then he asked me to “wook at da bone in his butt.” I was like, what?! Then he said “wook at my boner!! haha weeeeee!!!!” Um…….no. words. I am terrified of having a teenage son. That’s all I can say.
My cousin sent me a link to this article yesterday, and it really put a lot in perspective. Like I always tell myself, things could always be worse. This is really a must read for anyone who is having, or has had, a rough time in life. “The best way out is always through”–Robert Frost. http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/01/08/8-things-to-remember-when-everything-goes-wrong/
Ben Ramos, a coworker of Kris and I, put this amazing slide show together in her honor, and posted it on youtube. It’s one of the most touching things I’ve seen, and I am not ashamed to say that I watch it every day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9iFR-x0q7k&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dn9iFR-x0q7k&app=desktop
Dear Kris-I was just thinking about that time you said you would punch a certain someone in the face for me. (I won’t get into details here, so as not to embarrass anyone, so this is more of an inside thing between her and I). I just want you to know that I would also punch that person in the face for you too. More than once. Obvie. Additionally, I would like to tell you this: Until you died, I didn’t know how much you talked about me to your friends and family. I really didn’t know. I feel like I could have been such a better friend to you, but I suppose there is nothing that can ever change that now. BUT, if you ever need to talk, I’m always here for you, as I know you are for me.
PS. Thanks for not scaring me in my sleep. 🙂
Please keep The Stefanac family, my friend Marty, and my hubby in your prayers.