Back to reality


Well I’m back here in my hotel room, aka 3rd floor Seidman. We had to wait over 9 hours for my room yesterday which kind of sucked, but whatever. It is what it is. I’m not going to be a diva about it.

Kris’ wake Is scheduled for Sunday 1/12 from 1-5 at brunner’s funeral home in mentor, and funeral Monday at 11, at the same location.

I won’t be discharged until Sunday, so hopefully I can get there, and hopefully I don’t puke or pass out, as they are speeding up my drips to try to get me out of here in time. I’m going to be sick. So if I know you, and ignore you, please don’t take offense, as I’ll also be high. :/ but I’m determined to be there either way.

I have dreamt about Kris for the past 3 nights. I think she might officially be haunting the shit out of me, and I have been feeling much better about everything. Thank you all for the kind thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate them. I think when I’m well enough, I’ll start going to church again with my dad. Baby steps. I think what I really need is just some time to myself to reflect. Someone told me that all you can be sure of is what IS, when you’re struggling with your faith. And I actually like that. Here is my IS: I know I want to be a good person. I believe in karma-what goes around comes around. I believe in love, and have always loved with all that I have. I believe people can have second chances. I believe that if you can inspire others, you’ve done something great with your life, like Kris did for me. I believe in the power of forgiveness-it goes a long way. And finally, I spoke from a place of anger in my last post. I do believe in god. But I also believe that god made me who I am today-swearing/sarcastic/lame sense of humor/wine drinking and all. And you know something? I love the person I’ve become. I don’t plan on changing who I am. I don’t want to. But I do plan on continuing to reflect, and appreciate every single person in my life who has helped mold me Into who I am today. And THAT is my IS.

the first chemo drug wasn’t too bad. Derek stayed the night with me, as he always does, and I love him so much for that. Mack likes to rub my buzzed head now. He says it tickles. Although it’s all starting to fall out again, I don’t mind. I have a renewed sense of kicking ass lately, and that’s just what I am going to do.

Please continue to keep my friend kris in your prayers, as well as her family. It is hard not to miss someone who gave you so much to remember. Thanks for everything, KS. One of these days, we will still have our “kicked cancer’s ass” party, and we’ll still do it together! 🙂

If you would like to donate to the Stefanac family, please do so by going to any key bank, under “team kris”.

10 thoughts on “Back to reality

  1. When my friend lost her battle with ovarian cancer recently, the first thing I felt was anger. Cancer can take me on, but how DARE it mess with my friends! The anger eventually subsided and was replaced by deep,sadness, then acceptance and remembrance of the vibrant person the world lost. Accepting what IS keeps me going, and makes me stronger. Chin up with your chemo.

  2. This is a beautiful, inspiring post. I follow your journey on trying to figure out the religion thing as I struggle with my own. Thanks!

  3. This just made me cry on a Friday night, damn it! You keep swearing like a sailor, and I’ll keep praying, and one of these days, both you, me, and my big bro (the cancer battler), will all have a ‘kicked cancer’s ass’ party. I’ll bring cocktail weenies.

  4. I love the person you’ve become too and I couldn’t be prouder! And I believe with all my heart that God loves us whether we’re sure he exists or whether we struggle to believe. And I think we must make Him laugh sometimes! 🙂
    Love you,
    Mom

  5. Hello Mary….. I am again reading the book, “When the Heart Waits” by Sue Monk Kidd. (This is my third time…so I’ve struggled more than once!) It has been so helpful for me when in a place of doubt. Maybe it would be helpful for you. I believe we all have our ups and downs in our faith journey and it is OK!! Ditto to what Mom said!!

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