Sorry it’s been a minute since my last update! I’ve been a tad busy with life, and trying not to puke lately.
I was admitted back to Seidman the day after Christmas for my chemo. Part of the treatment included a 24 hr chemo drip, which really sucked ass. I was going to be a hero and say that it wasn’t so bad, but that’s a lie. Coming down from that has been tough. It could just be that I’m not used to the after effects of chemo anymore; it had been since last June after all; but either way, I spend the majority of my day wondering if I can get off the couch without puking. So far so good. It’s a weird feeling. I’m hungry, but nauseous at the same time.
Just before I left Seidman, my friend Kris was admitted a few doors down. Kris has triple negative breast cancer, and has been fighting a fierce battle for a few years now. They found some spots on her brain, and they had a biopsy yesterday. I have not yet heard how it went. I often request some prayers for Kris on my blog, but they have never been needed more than now. Kris has kind of been my rock. She has always been so strong through all of this, and since we work together, are the same age, and our both going through cancer treatment, I feel a special kind of kinship with her. (Which by the way I realize is one of the most ironic things, right? 2 stage 4 cancer patients who just so happened to sit right next to each other. I’m pretty sure no one wants our cubicles). I admire her courage and her trust in her faith, and hope and pray that everything goes ok.
It feels like a fog; like this haze that you can’t get out of. I’ve never done drugs before. You know like recreational/supposedly fun ones. (And now I’m past my prime and could care less about trying any of them). But I imagine it’s like detoxing from a high. Like you’ve taken too much medicine, and your body is rejecting it. Sometimes I don’t know if something was a dream, or if it really happened. I think that is the worst part. I’d rather puke then be confused. BTW I’m realizing as I’m typing this that the flow of my paragraphs don’t even go together, but I’m either too lazy or just don’t care enough to change it, so you’ll have to suffer through my unhinged banter.
Mack asks me daily “why you don’t have any hair again for?” To which I respond that Mommy is sick again, and won’t have any hair for a while. He doesn’t seem to care too much, just usually laughs at me and calls me silly. Oh to be a care free kid again! Derek has been so amazing with Mack and caring for the house and everything while I’ve been gone. I feel bad for single parents so much because Mack is a handful with the two of us, so I couldn’t even imagine. We’ve always had each other to help out, but with me gone and sick most of the time, the responsibility falls solely on Derek. He’s been taking it like a champ. It makes me feel bad sometimes, because Mack wants daddy to put him to bed, read to him, etc. etc., but in the grand scheme of things, thats for the best. He can’t see me sick, or he’ll be scared. I’ve also noticed that certain rules (like eating in the living room and on the couch) get broken when I’m not around, but I guess I can live with that.
Over this past weekend, my friends from high school banded together, and did a “pass the hat” night for my family and I. I really can’t thank all of you enough. All of the workers at Skinny’s who donated their tips, and all of the people who showed up; thank you from the bottom of my heart. Really. It’s both touching and such a huge help. They wrote notes to me too, which was one of the most thoughtful things. Obvie I cried, but that doesn’t take much for me these days! I love you guys, and thank you all again.
I also wanted to thank the strangers who read my blog; whom I’ve never met; but who have sent us prayer cards and gift cards from all over the United States. I say it often, and I really do mean it, I WILL pay it forward. I don’t want you to think that it goes unnoticed or is unappreciated. If there is one thing that we’ve learned over this past year, its to appreciate EVERYTHING.
It’s New Years Eve. Last New Years I don’t even remember. I spent most of it in and out of consciousness, having just had a heafty dose of chemo. This New Years likely won’t be much different, although hopefully I won’t feel quite as bad. I have outpatient infusion today; Rituximab. It’s not a chemo drug, but a drug used in conjunction with my chemo. The drug itself isn’t too bad, although my anticipatory nausea is kicking in, and just thinking about going to the infusion center is making me gag as I’m typing this…Its really the pre-medications I have to take, which suck. Luckily (or unluckily) the rancid smell of our dogs farts just pulled me out of that…
I would say fuck you, 2013, and let’s hope for a cancer free 2014, but I can’t say that. I’ve sure learned a lot about myself this year. We’ve had some super lows and some super highs; all the while my marriage has only gotten stronger, and my appreciation for life, greater. So although 2013 kind of sucked, Thank you for keeping me alive, 2013! Resolution for 2014? =A NORMAL life. (whats that?!) Screw you cancer. I’m gunning for ya. And to YOU…..Sorry but you’re stuck with me for another year of wedded bliss. Boy do I love the shit out of you.
PS Shout out to my 3rd floor Seidman peeps, my amazing onc, and onc nurse. They made my “stay” as pleasant and comfortable as possible, and I so do appreciate all of you! I do however wish that more of my towels were folded into swans. If you could work on that, I would appreciate it. thanks.
Again please keep Kris and her family in your prayers.
Every new year is happy, as long as there is another one to celebrate. 🙂