Today I woke up to the wondrous sounds of my neighbor puking and moaning at 4am, and couldn’t go back to sleep. I turned on the movie the “Holiday” to try to block out the God-awful noises, only to remember too late that the movie takes place at Christmas time, which made me promptly turn it off, because I officially hate the holiday season. I turned on the infomercial for T25 instead.
I have quite a lot of pain in my spleen today, and don’t feel the greatest. Have you ever eaten at a place like Brasa, or an all-you-can-eat type of place, where you VASTLY over-did it, and you’re so full that you can’t even sit in a chair? That’s basically how I feel all the time now. Except I’m barely eating. Its my ginormous spleen taking over. It makes me so nervous having to wait for biopsy results/my onc in order to start treatment. As much as I know how much treatment is going to suck, I’m so anxious to start because I can feel how much the cancer is growing on a daily basis.
I am currently on a list to be transferred back to the third floor of Seidman, my favorite floor (if you can even really have a favorite floor in a cancer center..), since I’m more comfortable and know all of the nursing staff there. (shout out, ladies!) I will still see the same team of doctors, all of whom I really like. I only remember Dr. Wynbrandt’s name, who is the program director, and who is fucking awesome. He wears converse shoes and bow ties, and seems like someone I would hang out with normally. He lets me use the staff fridge, and lingers in my room more than most, ball-busting with me, which I appreciate. He told me this: (aside from the cancer) getting in shape between my last treatment and now was the best thing I could have done. The rest of my organs are in great condition, and the greatest risk of death is always from side effects to other organs from the chemo, as opposed to the cancer itself. He told me that this is totally treatable, and I’m going to be fine. So…I love him. That’s all I need to hear. ..Except I need to hear it on a regular basis because I’m neurotic and a worry-wart. I have other docs on my team who I really like, but I can never remember their names. They are a mix of hematologists and oncologists. First, there is Harry Potter (dead flippin ringer.), Clark Kent (slightly hot for a doctor I might say…no offense to doctors either…that’s not to say doctors are not hot, I just mean when you’re a patient, you’re not really thinking about doctors that way), Then there is Cute Girl, and Nice Guy I Can’t Understand. They are all part of Dr. C’s team. I’m anxious for her to come back in town on Tuesday, but both her and her nurse Becky have been awesome about calling me from their personal cell phones (something I joke that they likely regret with my moments of panic text messages).
I found out that my bone marrow biopsy results were once again inconclusive. So, the team will meet tomorrow to discuss my PET scan, as well as where to obtain a good sample for biopsy. I’m not sure if I’ll get another port put in at the same time or not. Might as well though I guess. Exactly one week after getting it out. What. are. the. odds.
Today is Mack’s 3rd birthday. I had planned on making him birthday cake pancakes in the morning, and spoiling him rotten all day long. Instead, I’m here, and Derek is making him a donut cake, and will be bringing him, and one of his birthday presents to visit me after his nap. I’m not hooked up to anything right now; no fluids or antibiotics. I’m just pretty much sitting here because they really want to start chemo ASAP. But, at least that means Mack, Derek and I get to walk around, go see the Christmas tree, get some cake from the cafeteria, and go play on the playground at the Rainbow Children’s Hospital.
I’m still very scared. But today I woke up a little more angry (likely due to the lack of sleep), than normal. I mean seriously, Universe? Why???? I can think of at least 4 other people who should have cancer instead of me.
jk. no seriously, just kidding Jesus. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.
They talked to me today about freezing my eggs. Opted out. Too much of a risk for the cancer to come back, so it’s now officially a done deal. Mack is our only. Our miracle. I just keep thinking that had we waited–had Derek and I not met when we did–had everything not fallen into place exactly as it did, he wouldn’t be here today, and I wouldn’t have my little something to look forward to (Mack). I love you buddy.
Some day we’ll all be gone, but lullabies go on and on. They never die, that’s how you and I will be.