Deja Vu

Waking up in Seidman for the second day in a row; snow on the ground; fever that won’t go down, and covered in ice packs. That’s how my day is starting out. It’s all so eerily familiar. Same time last year I was in this very same position. It makes me feel stupid, celebrating all those many milestones I had achieved along the way, even though I know it’s not my fault. Irrationally, I think maybe there was something I could have done differently, but I know there wasn’t. At the very least, I’m stronger this time around, which hopefully will help me, once we begin this very long, uphill battle. I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself. I’m trying not to think about the possibility of dying. But the truth is, I have never been so terrified in all of my life.

When I was first diagnosed, it was scary. It was really scary. But it happens, I was told. I was in a good demographic to tolerate the chemo I was told. A year from now this will all just be a bad dream, I had thought. But this??? This I hadn’t planned on. This wasn’t even a fleeting possibility in my mind. Sometimes I think if I were more religious–stronger in my faith–if there is truth to that, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened to me. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not that I don’t want to believe, because I do. I wish MORE THAN ANYTHING, that I could find comfort in God/faith. Perhaps then I can stop focusing on how scared I am to die, and focus 100% about beating this. But unfortunately, I just can’t get there. Hopefully though, I will eventually.

Normally I feel like I have a pretty strong will. People have often told me that I’m an inspiration, which I quickly dismiss because I have NEVER felt that way. But now more than ever I feel like a total fraud–all my posts about staying strong etc. etc.–When all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. Yes I’m sad to miss Mack’s birthday and Christmas for a second year in a row, but mostly I’m sad that my husband, son, and the rest of my family/friends have to watch me go through this again. I’m sure they must feel helpless, as I remember feeling the same way when my sister was sick.

Here is what I want my husband to know: Derek. I love you. I wish there were words bigger than those, actually. Everything I do, I do for you and for Mack. You are my will to survive, and my reason to live. I will never leave you, even in death. You are the reason for every best day I’ve ever had. I’m so sorry that you have to watch me go through this again. I’m sorry that I can’t be as strong as you might need me to be right now, but I do promise to try. I know I can get through this because I have you. Maybe we have been unlucky in our lives in so many ways, but I think the luck of us finding each other outweighs all of that.

My spleen is huge now; I look like I’m pregnant I think. Currently my fever is down; only 99, but I took some tylenol. I’m sure that had something to do with it. I feel better when I’m moving around. so I’m going to try to take a walk today. Me and my pole. I named her Stella. I figured Stella eventually got her groove back, right? I was supposed to run in the Christmas Story 5K today, so shout out to my girls running in my place! Please still bring me my beer, T shirt, and “major award!”

I better get going. I have a pretty busy day ahead of me. So many activities! I have to move the lounge chair to the other side of the room, and wheel the night stand over a few inches. I’m not sure if I can stand the excitement!

Thank you all for the prayers , positive vibes and kind words. I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.


6 thoughts on “Deja Vu

  1. Mary, I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better and I wish I had a magic potion bottled up to give you to cure you once and for all! All I can say is that you ARE an inspiration and you are STRONG!!! You will get your groove back… Just like Stella! Keep the faith even when it is hard… And I know it is extremely difficult. But the one thing you have to remember is not to give up hope… Don’t Stop Believing. Journey had a hit with that song for a reason! You are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya girl! Hugs**

  2. Miss Mary Mary quite contrary ~*~ How about I have some Faith for you by proxy??? That way you can focus on other things and not have to worry about the sticky faith issue 😉 George and I decided that we would name our Christmas Tree this year (which we are going to get today). We have never named a tree. But, this seems like a pretty good year to do it, so our tree is the MARY TREE this year!!!!!! I also wanted to share with you, that though I did not receive a diagnosis of cancer, I did have some random mystery illness that has gone completely undiagnosed and explained ~ in that time period, I was absolutely terrified that my body was rejecting all food and all forms of food and what could potentially be the reason why. If I am being honest, I am still terrified. I do feel better, but considering I felt at about 5% functioning for 6 weeks — and today there’s no “Reason” why… I have no confidence that this won’t happen again. Long story SHORT (hehe) ~I had a few total emotional melt downs and just sobbed and sobbed and once I did this while driving in the dark and the snow and a deer ran in front of my car, RIGHT AFTER I TOLD GOD I WAS SCARED TO DIE, and the deer and I never hit each other… ?!?!? I thought… well, that was highly interesting!!! So, please please know, and perhaps this is just my opinion, but there is STRENGTH in having total emotional body-racking cry and sob fests. It takes a strong person to just say “F it I’m done”…. because that means the person is giving up power and control…and that takes strength. So go ahead and do the ugly cry whenever you darn well feel like it, girl. Pretty sure you deserve it! Let that out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. Crying tears is very good for the complexion, I have heard. So…. win-win??? ❤ you to pieces. I will try and post a pic of the MARY TREE if I can get my technological prowess to show up today.
    Sarah Peck*

  3. Oh Stella….that skinny bitch……I love you so much. You amaze me every day, you are an inspiration to me and many others!

  4. I just found your blog and I will read more of it. You write so well and I will pray for you to get better!! My grandfather fought Non-Hodgins Lymphona and his struggle with his cancer wasn’t easy, as you know first hand, but with the strength you demonstrate in your writing and with the support of your family and friends evident on your blog, you will get there. I’ll send more positive thoughts your way as I discover more of your blog!

  5. Odd, but my friend Stella just recently passed away from cancer, so while I pray that you kick this this thing with everything you’ve got, there is only one piece of advice I can share based on our past experience, is that no matter how awful it feels, never complain. Always focus on positive things like Derek and Mac and all of us that you are letting into your world and sharing this journey. I am looking forward to more entries and following along – thanks for putting yourself out there. Cheri in Israel

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