Waking up in Seidman for the second day in a row; snow on the ground; fever that won’t go down, and covered in ice packs. That’s how my day is starting out. It’s all so eerily familiar. Same time last year I was in this very same position. It makes me feel stupid, celebrating all those many milestones I had achieved along the way, even though I know it’s not my fault. Irrationally, I think maybe there was something I could have done differently, but I know there wasn’t. At the very least, I’m stronger this time around, which hopefully will help me, once we begin this very long, uphill battle. I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself. I’m trying not to think about the possibility of dying. But the truth is, I have never been so terrified in all of my life.
When I was first diagnosed, it was scary. It was really scary. But it happens, I was told. I was in a good demographic to tolerate the chemo I was told. A year from now this will all just be a bad dream, I had thought. But this??? This I hadn’t planned on. This wasn’t even a fleeting possibility in my mind. Sometimes I think if I were more religious–stronger in my faith–if there is truth to that, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened to me. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not that I don’t want to believe, because I do. I wish MORE THAN ANYTHING, that I could find comfort in God/faith. Perhaps then I can stop focusing on how scared I am to die, and focus 100% about beating this. But unfortunately, I just can’t get there. Hopefully though, I will eventually.
Normally I feel like I have a pretty strong will. People have often told me that I’m an inspiration, which I quickly dismiss because I have NEVER felt that way. But now more than ever I feel like a total fraud–all my posts about staying strong etc. etc.–When all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. Yes I’m sad to miss Mack’s birthday and Christmas for a second year in a row, but mostly I’m sad that my husband, son, and the rest of my family/friends have to watch me go through this again. I’m sure they must feel helpless, as I remember feeling the same way when my sister was sick.
Here is what I want my husband to know: Derek. I love you. I wish there were words bigger than those, actually. Everything I do, I do for you and for Mack. You are my will to survive, and my reason to live. I will never leave you, even in death. You are the reason for every best day I’ve ever had. I’m so sorry that you have to watch me go through this again. I’m sorry that I can’t be as strong as you might need me to be right now, but I do promise to try. I know I can get through this because I have you. Maybe we have been unlucky in our lives in so many ways, but I think the luck of us finding each other outweighs all of that.
My spleen is huge now; I look like I’m pregnant I think. Currently my fever is down; only 99, but I took some tylenol. I’m sure that had something to do with it. I feel better when I’m moving around. so I’m going to try to take a walk today. Me and my pole. I named her Stella. I figured Stella eventually got her groove back, right? I was supposed to run in the Christmas Story 5K today, so shout out to my girls running in my place! Please still bring me my beer, T shirt, and “major award!”
I better get going. I have a pretty busy day ahead of me. So many activities! I have to move the lounge chair to the other side of the room, and wheel the night stand over a few inches. I’m not sure if I can stand the excitement!
Thank you all for the prayers , positive vibes and kind words. I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.