Well tomorrow morning is my last scheduled chemo. I have thought about this day, ever since 12/26/12, the day I was first told that I had stage IV cancer. I have become a completely different person since then. In some ways, more sarcastic. In others, more affectionate. But mostly, I have simply become more appreciative. It took a while for me to understand why this was happening to me. Why we had struggled with fertility for so long, and now cancer. Why we lost our second baby. But, in the Buell household, we have come to an understanding of it all. Our baby died so that I could live. If I had never miscarried on 12/17/12, I would be dead. It’s crazy to wrap my head around that sometimes. And am I still scared to die? YES. But the idea of death, has become much more manageable in my mind. I know that if I die, Derek’s dad will take care of me up there, and my dad will take care of him down here. That’s how a marriage works, right? We are one.
I have been hesitant to “celebrate” my last chemo, given that there is a good chance that my scan in August will still show cancer. And any cancer, even a little, will be biopsied, then treated with a full stem cell transplant. So I guess, I just didn’t want to jinx it. Moreover, everyone in our life has been MORE than supportive, and I didn’t want anyone to celebrate with us, only to find out that I still had cancer come August. But, I decided the following: In life, obviously, there are no guarantees. I’m living proof of that. And it’s because of this fact, that any victory, no matter how small, should be celebrated, as if you have no tomorrow. So THAT is what I choose to do. And so sorry to all my peeps who will have to re-celebrate with me if/when I relapse! And we WILL re-celebrate, because obvie, I will beat this bitch.
I’ve been feeling better. I can tell when my counts are low now because I feel super tired all the time, but can’t fall asleep. It’s a bit hard to explain, but it sucks ass. My appetite has been back a little bit–it comes and goes. But the nausea is for sure a hell of a lot better than it was before. Still sometimes have some sharp pains in my spleen area, but I have no idea if that’s my cancer still or gas!…and therein lies my next issue post-chemo. I’m so used to having doctors examine me all the time, that I’m a little apprehensive about not seeing them on such a regular basis. I mean…don’t get me wrong. I got a thank-you card for my infusion nurse because she has been so nice, and inside I wrote, “hope I never have to see you again.” ….But my oncologist/staff…it’s like having a safety net underneath a tight-rope walker. Only after tomorrow, they’re taking the net away, but I still have to walk the tight-rope.
Overall, even if I have to go through treatment again in August, I’m just happy to have two months off of chemo!! WHOOP!!!!!
**DISCLAIMER**. The next portion of my post should not be read around any small children, or larger children who can read, but shouldn’t read anything vulgar. Just a warning, cause shit’s about to get cray.
This is just a little goodbye to all things chemo, for at least 2 months. Pour one out for my homies still going through it. You’ll get there too…
FUCK YOU CONSTIPATION! FUCK YOU NAUSEA! FUCK YOU TINNITUS! FUCK YOU JAW PAIN! FUCK YOU SPLEEN! FUCK YOU PANIC ATTACKS! FUCK YOU NIGHT SWEATS! FUCK YOU WEIRD LUNG INFECTION THAT NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU ARE! FUCK YOU GAS PRICES DRIVING TO AND FROM SEIDMAN CANCER CENTER ALLL THE MOTHER FUCKING TIME! FUCK YOU, BLOOD CELLS, WHITE AND RED ALIKE!! FUCK YOU NEUTRAPENIC FEVERS!!! FUCK YOU HORRID METALLIC TASTE IN MY MOUTH ALL THE TIME!!!! FUCK YOU ANTIBIOTICS I HAVE TO TAKE, AND ALL THE FUCKING PILLS I HAVE TO TAKE JUST TO WARD OFF YOUR SIDE EFFECTS!!! FUCK YOU YEAST INFECTIONS!! FUCK YOU UTIS!!!! FUCK YOU INSOMNIA!!!!!!!!
Phew. Had to get that off my chest. Thanks. 🙂
-Just wanted to thank specifically Emily E., and everyone else who helped with the thirtyone fundraiser. It really means so so much.
Always in our Prayers: Kris, Marty, and all of our amazing friends and family members. Also saying some prayers for Nick and Ashley, unfortunately, the newest members to the blood cancer club. (you guys totes got this!)
I will post some end-of-chemo pics when I’m feeling better 🙂