St. Patrick’s Day is coming up….which also means, so is my 31st birthday just two days after. I’ve been thinking lately how changed my life is now…..celebrating birthdays past just don’t mean the same as they will now. Celebrating. Humph. Now there’s something that we certainly haven’t done in a while!
Growing up and watching my sister, dad and mom all suffer from some form of cancer, I always told my friends, as one recently reminded me, that I was bound to get cancer by the time I was 30. The funny thing was….I didn’t really believe it! I mean, shit, I had done everything right. I was a good kid growing up. I went to church. Didn’t get in trouble. Didn’t do drugs, didn’t sleep around, never smoked a cigarette. I took care of my family when they needed me, and spent the majority of my life surrounding myself with people who I knew I could help or make feel better in some way. I mean geez, that would be bad karma, right???! Not to mention the fact that 30 seemed oh so far away!!!!…..and I ALMOST made it past age 30 cancer free, but yet…..here we are.
It has been nearly 3 months since my diagnosis, and I think now….it has finally all hit me. People have been telling me for a while now, “wow you’re so strong”….and I just kind of stare down at my feet thinking, “boy have I got you fooled”. I am not strong, I just try not to think about everything going on. Luckily for me, with my family and work–I have a lot of distractions that help that happen. Lately though, I haven’t been able to sleep. My mind just keeps running, thinking about the fact that I may not recover, and then what? For someone who was born type A like me….not having a plan….having to basically leave my LIFE in the hands of numerous doctors, drugs and various forms of treatments, and really having to just blindly believe that it will all be ok?….well for me, that’s like announcing over the loud speaker at Disney World that Mickey just died. Just kind of let’s the wind out of your sails and gets you thinking an awful lot of “what ifs”.
I think perhaps I wouldn’t be feeling so contemplative about all of this if I weren’t pent up in the house allllll theeeee timmmmeee. My white counts are still a little less than 1.0 which means I’m sequestered like all the other government employees! (jk seriously my job is not affected by that at all thankfully). I mean there are just SOOOO many activities! I can cook (which I’ve been doing a lot of lately), clean, play with Mack, watch TV, stare at Derek, rinse and repeat. I mean don’t get me wrong–I love doing those things–but you have to admit……doing the same thing all day, every day for an unknown period of time…..no matter WHAT it is, starts to really get to you!
But I can’t just sit here and sulk, and feel sorry for myself, because there are a lot of good things going on:
1) My friend Katie’s brother Marty seems to be progressing well, which is awesome, but please keep the prayers up for a speedy recovery! http://www.mocprogress.org
2) This round of chemo wasn’t too bad! I got sick the day of chemo and the day after, but only felt tired/out of it for the days following. Currently feeling semi-normal, with the exception of odd tumor movement that I feel in my spleen. Yuck! …But I guess that’s a good thing!
3) I have been able to work from home nearly every day, and my employer has really been awesome in working with me, bringing work to and from my home since I’m unable to be in the office
4) I have been a not-so-schleppy wife lately; baking and cooking a lot. …Only I’m pretty sure Derek and Mack are not huge fans of my vegan cancer-fighting meals. lol. Next step will be trying not to look like a schleppy wife. Yesterday I realized that I was wearing the exact same set of clothes for 2 days straight. Like slept in and all. Woops.
5) The season finale of the Bachelor is coming up, which means a fun fake cousins night!!
6) The hair on my head is totally growing back. It’s got a slight reddish tint to it, and is growing funny. For instance there seems to be a thick random patch on the back of my head by my ear, and yet barely anything around my front hairline. I’m starting to look like Gallagher!
I just wanted to publicly thank/acknowledge some friends of ours, Brian and Lindsay. They are holding a fundraiser for us at La Fiesta restaurant on Sat. March 16th, and we really can’t thank you enough for that!! You guys rock and we couldn’t do this without you