I need drugs!!!


This morning I woke up feeling better than I’ve felt in about 4 or 5 days. Last night I received a text message from my friend Kris, who told me that she and her daughter had prayed that I would wake up feeling better today, and it worked! God must have had a special plan giving us both cancer at the same time.

I’m anxiously awaiting my oncologist’s decision to proceed with the new chemo drug today, then the remainder of my chemo tomorrow. I had a fever again last night, so I’m hoping that doesn’t deter them. I can’t not wait to get out of here!!!! Not to mention, the longer I wait for my chemo, the more nervous I get about my cancer growing in there.

..ok so in the short time that I wrote that sentence the oncology team came in. I’ve lost more weight, and my white cell count is officially ZERO/nada/zilch. Apparently my counts are low from my last chemo combined with the flu I had, and so they don’t want to give me my chemo because my counts are too low. Huh?!?!?! This perplexes me, especially since all of my doctors have told me that my counts would drop after my first few cycles of chemo. So now I’m waiting for the final word from my main oncologist as to whether or not she is going to give me neupogen, and start my chemo. All I know is that I. HAVE. GOT. TO. GET. OUTTA. HERE.
Note: Neupogen (filgrastim) is a man-made form of a protein that stimulates the growth of white blood cells in your body. White blood cells help your body fight against infection.

Ok now its time for the bad vs. good things.

Bad:
1) Anticipatory nausea: this is getting worse. I am now triggered by other things such as the smell of my bathroom, the smell of my blankets, and the smell of alcohol swabs when they clean my port. Yup. Awesome. I have to be on anti nausea meds around the clock. You know what the side effects are of that? You guessed it. Nausea. Oh the tangled webs we weave….
2) It’s getting hot in here: Still getting fevers. They don’t seem to be related to the flu I contracted, but rather to the Hodgkins directly, but either way….cant I just get some chemo and get rid of this shit already?! Is that so much to ask?! DRUGS! I need DRUGS, people! I mean I’m in downtown Cleveland, I should just try to get some chemo on the street at this point.
3) Mack: Holy crap do I miss him. Even with his tantrums and runny nose; his deliberate disobeying to test me…I’ll take it all in 2 seconds. All the more reason I need to get the hell outta here!!!
4) Nurses: I have officially weeded out only 2 “good” nurses and 2 “good” CPAs. I’ve had to actually complain about two of them (one as previously mentioned), and the other because she refused to wear a mask in my room. It’s so funny to me why you would choose a profession of caring for people, when you don’t seem to care AT ALL unless someone (like a doctor) happens to be watching.
5) TV: The TV is always on in my room for background noise because I can’t stand to hear the other patients puking, coughing or going to the bathroom. I am killing so many brain cells. Have you ever watched so much TV that when you get up, you feel like you’re in a daze?? That’s pretty much how it is for me daily, and I hate it. Unfortunately, I don’t have much else to do.

Good:
1) Hair: Ok so my hair is falling out in clumps now, and my scalp is starting to get tender. Derek is going to buzz it soon….but that’s not the good part. The good part is that my (WARNING MAJOR OVER SHARE ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE) pubic hair is falling out, along with my leg hair!! HELLO!!!!! Every woman reading this should be totes jealous because that’s pretty awesome.
2) Appetite: My spleen is noticeably smaller, which is awesome, and I’ve been able to eat. I’ve finally gotten my appetite back, and try to eat even when I’m nauseous.
3) News: I never watch the news or read the paper at home in my “real life”, so that is the one good thing about the TV. I finally feel up to date on current events–at least for the next 2 or 3 days (hopefully).
4) Family/friends: My family and friends have been so amazing and supportive. Shout out especially to my cousins Michelle and Karen who have spent the night at our house nearly every night so that Derek could stay with me. Without all of your support, I’m not sure where we would be!

My friend Kris told me that she has a good feeling about us–that we are both going to beat cancer because we’re both too stubborn not to. Boy is that the truth. Look out cancer, you stupid bitch. Here I come.

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